As the title reads, I hate phones, and so should every sane person. If you don’t, you either belong to tech illiterate consoomers or even worse, you partake in the uwu TeCh EnThUsIaSt cult. Good for you, sheepie. Keep kissing your rectangular box and complaining about it robbing you of your time.

Why do I hate phones? Well, for quite some reasons. First allow me to dump Apple out of the door since I do not acknowledge this company. I could have written a 1000 page long treatise on the 13 Reasons Why I disdain Apple, but no thanks, I am not crazy enough to waste my energy on some rotten fruits. Even i is realer than the good part of Apple.

So yeah, I will mainly talk about Android phones, phones of the poor, boomers and nerds. Where should I begin? This is a fword censored by googlelong story.

First of all, why for the glory of CCP do you think it is a good idea to start some retword censored for offensive slur trends for ａｅｓｔｈｅｔｉｃｓ that no one cares? Are all phone companies owned by 13 year old tiktok influencers? No you capitalist pigs, me and my tovarishes will not purchase gaytooth earbuds even if you get rid of the headphone jack. I have had enough of this consumerism trap. JUST GIVE ME THE FREEDOM TO JAM THROUGH WIRES. And secondly, what’s the point of making the phone slimmer? To fit into the pocket of my women’s pants? Wow that sounds like something I can sue for misogyny! Last but not least, what is this stupid trend of adding infinite black holes to the back of the phone? I am talking to YOU, FourPlus, fun to drop five cameras yet fail to add notification light, huh? Even my plastic barbie phone is cooler than globohomo consumerism shit. Plus it can play I am a butterfly better than some of the modern phone’s speakers. Plus it used to make me happy. Plus the nostalgia. Q.E.D.

Oh yeah and the most important change they have made: eliminating removable batteries. Okay coooompanies, is that another strategy to make phones slimmer than instagram models with eating disorder? They have really spent effort on coming up of a legit way to make me upgrade more frequently and to deprive me of my right to repair. I appreciate that sincerely, very considerable of my wallet’s mental health I swear. I love those old Samsung flagships but hmmm dream over.

Not to sound like the fattie in your mom’s basement, but I NEED THAT UNLOCKABLE BOODLEADER. They lock up kids, lock up immigrants, and now they try to lock up bootloaders. Bon appetite with your millions of adwares and spywares preinstalled, Old Hamlet! I promise it is harmless! Weeks ago my mom asked if I could fix her Nokia, that was stuck in a bootloop after an update. I thought it was gonna be easy, just unlock the bootloader and flash a fresh new system. But heck no this bootloader was harder to crack than Chris chan’s autism. I scrolled on the XDA forum for ages and tried various methods, but guess what, everything failed and that annoying rectangular box won’t stop mocking me with that ugly logo shining on the screen.

Now what? The age of Linux desktop? NO IT’S THE AGE WHERE YOU STILL CAN’T RUN A FIREWALL AND A VPN AT THE SAME TIME! Use your little gery cells and think, the wisdom of humanity cannot provide a solution for multiple VPN profiles! Yeah I could have rooted it, but don’t teach me what I need to do. I want to run multiple profiles without rooting my phone. End of the debate, zealots.

Over, Captain. Have a good day.